How do you overcome S.A.D to make friendships?

[Martee]

It's something I've always struggled with - I've been working at my current job for two years but I wouldn't say I have actual 'friends', just work colleagues. There are a few people I could probably get on with outside of work but I always feel way too anxious to make that shift and God forbid if I did actually make the move, I feel like I would just mess it up as I am a totally awkward kind of person. I find myself saying stupid jokes (I have a very odd, dark humour which doesn't translate well generally!) and just babbling about anything but what the person wants to say.

It's like a blind spot almost. I can talk to people, and hold some conversation but I can't make that conversion into actual friendship - how do you lot go about making those friendships? What advice can you give?

 

[PGen98]

I'm in the same boat, I'm socially awkward and not good at making friends. I have people who I like to consider friends, but I think it's mostly because I spend 90% of the time listening to them, and being their "shoulder to cry on" rather than someone they want to talk to.

I do the same thing with horrible jokes and awkward conversation with awkward silences and I just have no idea how to make that fit into the context of a friendship. That's why I became more of a listener and trying to relate to what they were saying, rather than holding a two-way conversation with them. I gained a lot of "friends" that way, but again, I don't know if that's real friendship or just people wanting someone to talk to. It did somewhat help my social anxiety having people coming to me with their problems, their concerns and their sadness. The unintended consequence of this particular strategy is that I learned a whole lot about women, as more women than men started talking to me, and for whatever reason it would also include issues that there was no way I could relate to them on -- rough periods, awkward sex, I think I'm pregnant and not via my husband, I am pregnant and my nipples are killing me (I didn't know this was a thing before), I've just had a baby and I can't stand these nipple shields (again, didn't know they were a thing before, either). (Spoilered out, just in case people don't want to read that bit, but click and it will reveal ) Literally everything and anything women go through, they suddenly wanted to talk about, and with me, a guy, who couldn't possibly understand or relate to those issues. But I suppose I'm more educated on women's issues than I was previously, so I guess that's a good thing.

Point being -- is there a trick to not being socially awkward and making friends like the social butterflies do? Not really (or not that I've learned, at least), but I would start by just offering to chat, to listen to them when they're feeling down, comfort them when they need it, and so on. Eventually they will open up to you, and come to rely on you as a source of strength and support, and while I still don't really know if that's "friendship" or not, it's a nice feeling at times!

 

[Harry]

I find myself saying stupid jokes

This is only human. It is not related to any condition. Do you see a lead artist make jokes in a cinema ? It is vacant for special roles. Charlie Chaplin for example.

s but I wouldn't say I have actual 'friends', just work colleagues.

This too. I am almost sure that this is not a disability or something bad we should be worried about. Jesting is an art, just like music, drawing, masonry and whatnot. It is meant for artists, not regular people.

 

[Martee]

I'm in the same boat, I'm socially awkward and not good at making friends. I have people who I like to consider friends, but I think it's mostly because I spend 90% of the time listening to them, and being their "shoulder to cry on" rather than someone they want to talk to.

I do the same thing with horrible jokes and awkward conversation with awkward silences and I just have no idea how to make that fit into the context of a friendship. That's why I became more of a listener and trying to relate to what they were saying, rather than holding a two-way conversation with them. I gained a lot of "friends" that way, but again, I don't know if that's real friendship or just people wanting someone to talk to. It did somewhat help my social anxiety having people coming to me with their problems, their concerns and their sadness. The unintended consequence of this particular strategy is that I learned a whole lot about women, as more women than men started talking to me, and for whatever reason it would also include issues that there was no way I could relate to them on -- rough periods, awkward sex, I think I'm pregnant and not via my husband, I am pregnant and my nipples are killing me (I didn't know this was a thing before), I've just had a baby and I can't stand these nipple shields (again, didn't know they were a thing before, either). (Spoilered out, just in case people don't want to read that bit, but click and it will reveal ) Literally everything and anything women go through, they suddenly wanted to talk about, and with me, a guy, who couldn't possibly understand or relate to those issues. But I suppose I'm more educated on women's issues than I was previously, so I guess that's a good thing.

Point being -- is there a trick to not being socially awkward and making friends like the social butterflies do? Not really (or not that I've learned, at least), but I would start by just offering to chat, to listen to them when they're feeling down, comfort them when they need it, and so on. Eventually they will open up to you, and come to rely on you as a source of strength and support, and while I still don't really know if that's "friendship" or not, it's a nice feeling at times!

Wow, this sounds exactly like me and my life haha. I think we're long-lost twins here @PGen98! I can certainly relate to the way things have gone for you - I cannot count the amount of people I speak to where I'm just sitting there either listening to their life problems or I've said something off-topic that just produces that bloody silence. I never know how to fill it! The worst one I remember was I was at University working on a group topic and in my haste to edge into a conversation I shot my shot and made a joke about a well-known terror group (??) which dropped like a lead balloon - It was an awkward group project after that lol.

On the plus side, it's gone to my advantage twice as I've had two relationships I can say with some certainty have come about because I managed to befriend a girl by listening and somehow (despite my penchant for terrible jokes) I've managed to escape that friendzone.

I like your last paragraph though about just being there and hoping it opens up and blossoms. If nothing else, it is a nice feeling like you say!

 

[PGen98]

Wow, this sounds exactly like me and my life haha. I think we're long-lost twins here @PGen98! I can certainly relate to the way things have gone for you - I cannot count the amount of people I speak to where I'm just sitting there either listening to their life problems or I've said something off-topic that just produces that bloody silence. I never know how to fill it! The worst one I remember was I was at University working on a group topic and in my haste to edge into a conversation I shot my shot and made a joke about a well-known terror group (??) which dropped like a lead balloon - It was an awkward group project after that lol.

Oh wow, yeah, I've been in situations very similar to that, for sure! Tried to fit, said something that made sense in my mind, but the second it exited my mouth it fell flat and that horrendous silence kicks in. You just hope one of the social butterflies in the group starts up again to fill the gap. At least when I'm just a listener for them it's a nice feeling, because you're helping them and they seem to at least appreciate that much.

On the plus side, it's gone to my advantage twice as I've had two relationships I can say with some certainty have come about because I managed to befriend a girl by listening and somehow (despite my penchant for terrible jokes) I've managed to escape that friendzone.

That's far better than I've fared in life. I've had one relationship that reached any sort of intimate level, and my own self-hatred managed to ruin it for me. I'm happy to stick with the friend zone for now, at least it's contact and a chance to be there for people. If I can ever figure myself out enough to get past my own brain, I don't deny I wouldn't love a chance at something beyond friendship with a woman...without ruining it .

I like your last paragraph though about just being there and hoping it opens up and blossoms. If nothing else, it is a nice feeling like you say!

Yep, exactly! Being that rock for someone, that shoulder to cry on, it's a really nice feeling and it can sometimes result in a friendship you never expected to make!

 

[Nomad]

If you have social anxiety disorder and if you want to overcome your problem and make friends, I suggest you take a language class. When you are in a language class, you will have to communicate with your peers to learn the language, and in the mean time you will start making friends.

 

[Nova]

Sometimes you have to take things slow. Start with small. I usually make friends with the people who are not much of authority. Like security guard, receptionist, nurse etc. And then slowly build my connection up top. I think having friends in a hotel also helps too. So make friends from bottom to top order in society.

 

[Lammchen]

There is a meme on Facebook that was going around and when I read this thread I was reminded of it. I can't remember the exact wording, but the gist of it is that you just haven't found your tribe yet.

I don't have S.A.D. and I don't like hanging out with a lot of people, and at times I joke around when it's not appropriate...but I think the people I consider my friends to be my tribe. A lot of them were unexpected and not people I would have chosen for myself.

So you never know when friendship will form and it can't always be forced.

 

[Nomad]

Sometimes you have to take things slow. Start with small. I usually make friends with the people who are not much of authority. Like security guard, receptionist, nurse etc. And then slowly build my connection up top. I think having friends in a hotel also helps too. So make friends from bottom to top order in society.

Visiting a cafe regularly and having a nice chit-chat with the waiter or a manager can also help you overcome shyness and start building friendships. The key to making friends is you need to be a conversation starter and never wait for someone to begin.

 

[Ravenfreak]

I try to go to outings with my coworkers and from there I start making friendships. I feel more confident when I have my wife with me. I find if the group isn't too big and if we just go to the movies it's not as nerve wracking.

 

[Soulwatcher]

I don't have any friends, so I can't give you any advice. I just stick to myself and I like it that way.