Depression on the back of major health crisis

[PGen98]

I'm not really sure how to phrase this one...

I just got out of the hospital after nearly 3 weeks. It was...not pleasant. Things got dicier than I ever imagined was possible for the condition I initially went in for, and the complications, seizures, syndromes, dialysis, procedures...just...everything...has left me feeling both thankful to be here, but also incredibly depressed in a way that I can't seem to get my head around or put into words. It's not a why did this happen to me kind of feeling, it's not even survival guilt type of thing, it's...I just feel horribly, bitterly, constantly depressed in a way that doesn't seem logical and I can't seem to express to anyone.

Life goes on, I missed three weeks of work, so I'm broke and the bills are beyond piled up, but that's not even the source of it. I just feel like there's no forward anymore, if that makes sense? I am this. I am nothing more and I never can be.

Has anyone experienced anything like this? How do you cope with it? How do you quantify it? How do you get beyond it? What...helps?

 

[Jay™]

I get where you’re coming from. I went down a hole last year myself, really rough stretch, and I just kept pushing because I didn’t know what else to do. Eventually it started to work, slowly but enough to feel like I was getting pieces of myself back.

What you went through is huge. Weeks in the hospital, seizures, dialysis… that kind of thing hits your mind just as hard as your body. Feeling disconnected or depressed after all that isn’t a flaw it’s a normal response to something overwhelming.

You’re not “just this.” You’re someone who went through hell and is still trying to make sense of it. That’s already forward. One step at a time is enough.

Remember I'm always around for support!

 

[Lee]

Yeah. I think the bit that stands out to me here is that sometimes surviving something doesn't automatically leave you feeling grateful or relieved. You can be incredibly thankful to still be here and still feel completely fucking miserable about being here at the same time. Three weeks in hospital, seizures, dialysis, procedures and everything else is a hell of a lot for your brain and body to process. I don't think you necessarily need to find a logical reason for why you feel the way you do either. Sometimes your brain has just been through something massive and it takes a while to catch up.

You don't have to be grateful every second just because you survived. You went through something absolutely fucking huge. I think you should give yourself a bit of time to come back from it and just be kind to yourself.

You got this, and we will help you through

PS. Excuse my french.

 

[PGen98]

Fair points...it just really sucks, lol. I would like to feel at least a little bit like myself. But forward progress will come I suppose.

I appreciate you both, so very much <3

 

[Lee]

Keep going forwards. It is now about slowly figuring out who you are again after something that completely knocked the shit out of you.

I'm really glad you are still here to tell the story. Be kind to yourself and give yourself time. You deserve it.

 

[PGen98]

I appreciate that, I'm trying. Really trying.